We attempt to settle the debate
Bear with us. What started out as an innocent debate about
hot hatches in general quickly devolved into an ambitious but rubbish idea to
build the most ultimate hatch of our own, a sort of Top Gear tribute special.
It would max out all the attributes that define the genre. Performance (lots
and lots!), handling, looks, boot space, practicality and fuel economy. The
whole lot, dialed up to 11. After much scribbling, crude mathematics and
finger-pointing, it dawned on us that there were already two cars on sale that
sort of fit the bill. The only problem was that they aren’t currently classed
as hatchbacks at all. Which is silly, because as you’re about to see they
clearly should be.
“No wonder we find
so many SUVs ta king advantage of the VIP parking, aka the kerb”
Welcome then, to the BMW X6 M50d and the new Porsche Cayenne
Diesel S. It’s Bavaria versus Stuttgart as the world’s most prodigious Sports
Activity Vehicles battle for dominance in a segment very, very far below their
own. And that red smear in the background? Well, just as a reality check we’ve
invited the most stalwart of hot hatches known to man: the VW Golf GTI. Game
on.
The bit where we race them
VW Golf GTI:
162kW, 350Nm and a blast to 100kph in just 6.5 seconds before top-ping out at
244kph
OK. No need to delay this. Let’s run through the numbers
shall we? VW Golf GTI: 162kW, 350Nm and a blast to 100kph in just 6.5 seconds
before top-ping out at 244kph. The BMW X6, in eco-minded diesel trim, does the
sprint in just 5.3 torque- and gut-wrenching seconds then onward quite rapidly
before being electronically limited to 250kph. Good thing, as I presume without
it, it would speed up and up, till it reaches a million. This is thanks to
280kW and 740Nm, which sounds like a lot (it is), until you read the speccy
sheet on the fat Porsche. Yes, the mighty diesel Cayenne churns out a
ridiculous 850Nm and 281kW, and hits a similar electronic wall at 250kph, but
suffers a marginally slower 5.6sec 0-100 burst.
The BMW X6, in
eco-minded diesel trim, does the sprint in just 5.3 torque- and gut-wrenching
seconds then onward quite rapidly before being electronically limited to 250kph
Line them up on a straight and wide section of tar with
their sportiest settings dialed in and the results are predictable – hence the
red smear featuring constantly in the distance. While the BMW’s 4WD system
proved more tractable off the line, the Porsche quickly played catch-up and
with enough asphalt to lay waste to would invariably be the first to head-butt
the horizon. And even if it didn’t, it would still come out tops here for one
very good reason: the noise. My God, the noise. The BMW’s diesel does a
wonderful job of emulating a petrol-burning in-line six with a burbling, bassy
engine note so convincing you’d swear it was rumbling from the subwoofers.
Which, of course, cannot be ruled out. But it never comes close to the aural
pleasure you get from or in the Porsche. How Stuttgart have copied a raucous V8
petrol beggars belief, but I imagine some of the symphonic magic is inherent of
two banks of cylinders splayed out in a vee. Even at idle and low parking
garage speeds, the Porsche sounds feral, menacing, whereas the BMW’s diesel
reverts to the din of something large and yellow with CAT stenciled along its
flanks. With throttle pedals flattened into the carpets of both sport
utilities, the GTI’s induction bark is reduced to the yap-yap of a Chihuahua.
Job done.
The mighty diesel
Cayenne churns out a ridiculous 850Nm and 281kW
Pitch them into your favorite set of turns and the GTI’s
natural ability becomes very clear as it darts about with the alacrity of a
falcon. However, the 2.2-tonne Porsche – and there’s no other word for this –
matches it. I’m loath to open up my book of clichés, but the massive Cayenne
really does shrink around its driver. A trick necessary to dis-guise its bulk,
one the BMW doesn’t absolutely nail. It handles like a very powerful landmark,
think of it as Table Mountain with four-wheel drive and you’ve sort of got the
idea. It’s an impressive, muscly way to traverse the tarmac, but its size is
daunting and not just for the other road occupants; it’s equally so for the
brave pilot who fancies his chances ploughing from apex to apex. Despite the
awkward lunacy, it’s actually very impressive, like a circus bear in a tutu,
only marginally less offensive in modern times. There’s just no hiding that
massive gait. Which brings us neatly to the parking.
The bit where we park them
Obviously a big draw card of the modern hot hatch is its
go-anywhere, fit-anywhere livability for when you’re not gunning it at ten
tenths along your favorite roads. The GTI has this verily waxed with its
C-segment dimensions; something which the other behemoths with their massive
footprints do not. Parallel parking in the main road? Forget about it. Blame
their near five-meter lengths and near two-meter widths for that, versus the
Golf’s demure 4268mm x 1799mm. A fact clearly demonstrated in the photos
opposite. The Porsche Cayenne at 1699mm is actually a centimeter taller than
the sloping X6, but thanks to a lower window sill, larger greenhouse and
flatter front wings, it is immeasurably easier to navigate round and about our
very tight TG undercover garage. The GTI is like threading a needle through a
tunnel; in other words, no challenge at all.
